I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
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This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
A customer told me they were never coming back….
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
not seeing the problem
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.