@mattZillaaaa: I like to flush the toilet a few times when I'm on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
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@texasstalkermom: Want his attention? Send nudes Want to piss him off? When he responds, reply "Oops, wrong person"
@SoVeryBritish: Trains delayed due to: - Wrong kind of sun - Ominous cloud - Slightly damp leaf - Chilly track - Suspicious gravel - Sarcastic swan
@LifeUnPinterest: HIM: Why is this sticky? ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
@lazerdoov: Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.