@mattZillaaaa: I like to flush the toilet a few times when I'm on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
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@crushingbort: #ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot
@LostLettermen: In response to McDonald's pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
@Parentpains: "She must be shy" is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.
@HatfieldAnne: Of course I don’t put Christmas presents under the tree for the CAT! That’s just silly. She gets a stocking.