@mattZillaaaa: I like to flush the toilet a few times when I'm on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
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@SamGirlSunday: If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I'd have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
@GrantTanaka: wife: maybe you should start working out again me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
@Marlebean: He held up my pants and said "Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??" Judge: Not guilty. You're free to go.