I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
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Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen