I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
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You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.