I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
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She: I like Cats
He:
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I bet
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.