@lejessica: I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren't any dinosaurs approaching.
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@robdelaney: Steve Jobs' entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger's cord.
@Elizasoul80: Person I tried to rob describing me to the police: "long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn't seem very committed to it."
@DanielRCarrillo: Raid™: For when you don't want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
@U_Want_Shum_M8: -hey don't shoot me, i'm just the messenger! -oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-