@lejessica: I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren't any dinosaurs approaching.
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@CaptainJerkwad: "Where does it hurt?" the doctor asked. "Right Ear" replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
@Jarhead44: I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I'm in.
@NicestHippo: [meeting a couple at dog park] "BARK BARK!" GF: He's usually not like this [pulls me aside] GF: Stop yelling bark bark at those nice people
@River_Niles: Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum.. Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..