I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
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I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
#dalle2
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?