@AntozWolf: I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
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@scorpicpanda: Me: "OMG, my abs are so sore!" 12: (sarcastically) "What abs?" Me: "The abs hiding under this protective layer of you're grounded."
@envydatropic: I'm not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I'm just saying my dog's breath was minty fresh this morning.
@LittleMissZesty: I've just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I'm on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
@Nickadoo: My urologist is weird. I peed in a cup. He drank it and said, "You're fine." Then he paid me. Don't choose a doctor from Craigslist.