@dreamthievin: I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
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@bdbdleeroybrown: My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
@krisv_723: You don't care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor's lawn. I know this now.
@mickeza1: You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back. Are you raising an army for Mordor?
@ohheyohhihello: I stole a friend's phone today and set it so it will autocorrect "I've" to "me've" and me'm really excited about it.