I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
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[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.