I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
You Might Also Like
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
i hope my email finds you on fire
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is