I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
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“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE