I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
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if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
#parenting
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.