I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
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I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Not today
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.