I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
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Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family