I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
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Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing