I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
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You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
called in thicc to work this morning