I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
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Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”