I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
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*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
he chose this