I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
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Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.