I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
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Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*