You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
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ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.