@SummerCandyEyes: I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting "wrong hole!!" at inappropriate times, like when you're eating.
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@Prof_Hinkley: [After 20 min at your house] I used all your toilet paper "Check in the cabine-" All of it "We have more in the gar-" All of it all of it
@myonlymizztake: Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called? Me: Gelt. Coworker: Guilt? Me: No, Jews get that all year round.