I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
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88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.