I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
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#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄