I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
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Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
My current situation
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there