I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
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If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.