I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
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My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!