[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
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Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
wishing you and yours all the best
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah