@juliussharpe: I like to pretend I'm on "American Idol" by holding a piece of paper with a number on it and running out of a room like an idiot.
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@GrantTanaka: Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you? Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
@GregDunbar1: Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
@WilliamRodgers: They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that "3rd wheel" best friend. It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.