@juliussharpe: I like to pretend I'm on "American Idol" by holding a piece of paper with a number on it and running out of a room like an idiot.
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@TheTweetOfGod: When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you've been using Apple Maps.
@RxitWounds: [Sirens] Dude open the door! *barricading* How do i know you're not 1 of them?! Were you bit?! What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
@djdarrellripley: Her: I dreamt I was being murdered. Me: Was I the one who was murdering you? Her: No. Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
@max_pad21: I failed my Driver's test. Driving teacher: "What do you do at a red light?" Me: "I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter."