“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy