honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
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I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Travel bloggers during quarantine
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
smartest karate player in the world