The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
You Might Also Like
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers