I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
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Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
dutch is not a serious language
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
choose your fighter
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner