I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
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[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.