I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
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sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Dune (2021)
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds