@FakeDeanAccount: I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@ibid78: [God waking up with a hangover] last night was a blur. Whose prayers did I answer? [sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh
@dshack8: "Lady In Red" is my favorite song about a guy that's trying to get laid even though he can't remember her goddamn name.
@Love_bug1016: [trying to impress date] Him: I want someone who's not afraid of a little PDA. Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
@goldengateblond: I've gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I'll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.