I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
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if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm