I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
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[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
where do you see yourself in five years?
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?