I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
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In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
All set.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 馃槱
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
911: what鈥檚 your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won鈥檛 listen to us
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don鈥檛 work when I鈥檓 at work either.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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hey boy 馃槈 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Wait for it! 馃ぃ馃憦馃槤
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?