I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
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Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.