I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
greetings!
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.