I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.