@amydillon: I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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@MaraWritesStuff: I still can't believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone I mean, who TALKS on the phone
@sixfootcandy: Housekeeping: Ma'am, would you like me to turn down your bed? Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
@aissalanis: [first day as a torturer] Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay. Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
@jazmasta: [i walk in with broken ribs and face bleeding] yeah but you should see the other guy! [cut to: horse just chilling in a field enjoying life]