@amydillon: I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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@ibid78: [sees girl reading The Bible] "Ah I love that book. The way they just *clenches fist* buy all those frickin bulls."
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Teen: Your outfit is on fleek! Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek. Teen: (smiles) Thank you! Me: God damn it.
@daemonic3: [hospital] "Will dad ever wake from his coma?" WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET'S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS DAD: I'M UP
@AliyanShaikh: Did you know? If you stand under the moonlight and say the name of your true love 3 times, you'll look really stupid.