I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
You Might Also Like
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”