I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
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[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.