@big_1_Otis: I like to sit on my hands until they go numb so it feels like somebody else is doing my dishes.
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@Eightinchgoat: I think I'm gonna shave my legs so that there's less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
@fixyourcompass: My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'. I said: May divorce be with you...
@Sassafrantz: [text] "Just saw this! I'd love to go to dinner!" Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now. "Bring 'em! Sister Wives is my jam!"