@big_1_Otis: I like to sit on my hands until they go numb so it feels like somebody else is doing my dishes.
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@Spaziotwat: Survivor 1: "Help! I can't swim! I'm drowning!" Survivor 2: "I have a buoy, friend."
@iSamJack: Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
@Brianhopecomedy: I'm watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.