@big_1_Otis: I like to sit on my hands until they go numb so it feels like somebody else is doing my dishes.
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@InternetHippo: “When someone is mad at you, that’s THEIR problem” and other advice from my upcoming book, ‘Where Did All My Friends Go’
@ibid78: Angel: "I think we can all agree that 6 is enough." God (clearly upset about something else): "NO. GIVE SPIDERS 8 LEGS."
@MikeCanRant: My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.
@TheFearBoners: Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?