@1Happytwit: I like to skip when I'm carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
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@bmarked21: My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
@TheTweetOfGod: I am not fake. I am not a parody. I am the Lord thy God, King of the Universe, you cosmic dipshits.
@Brampersandon_: CASHIER: $57.85 ME: do u accept food stamps C: of course M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
@Shut_up_Marissa: In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.