I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
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I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math