I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
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Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”