I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
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[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting