Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
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The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
beware of dog
Every time.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton