Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
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you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*