@gobmentcheese: I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, "I read what you said on the internet."
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@KimJungilSpirit: 4yo doctor visit: Doc: no more than 30 mins for 4yo on the iPad. I'd rather he play with mud. Me: .. Wife:.. Me: where do u download mud?
@AlexRogaski: The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
@KalvinMacleod: [Speech Therapy] Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty Dad: I’m…thirsty T: I’m hungry D: I’m…H...Hi Hungry, I’m Dad T: *throws clipboard*
@randomlawless: When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they're like "I'm lactose intolerant."