@gobmentcheese: I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, "I read what you said on the internet."
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@liv_thatsme: (My wedding day) Grandma: You remind me so much of your father Me: Wow, thanks that means a lot G: Your father was a disappointment also
@hyperblastchic: Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot! Priest: This is communion... M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr- P: Leave.
@AbbyHasIssues: (Grabs store intercom) Would whoever dropped the list with “pizza” and “wine” on it in the cart come to the front? We need to be friends.
@AtticusFinch79: [taking a walk with mom] Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream* Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you're adopted.