@CarpentersCrack: I like to stop drinking somewhere between "watch this" and "ohhhhhh shit".
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@JustDontBugMe: [Getting married] Hey, thanks for doing this with me... I wasn't sure how to operate the microwave.
@ElKnuckelhombre: Wife: Have you seen my curling iron? Me: ...umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer? Wife: ... Me: No, I have not seen it.
@TheCatWhisprer: I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
@michaeljhudson: I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of WNBA history.