I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
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Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Hey I worked for it too!
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket