I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
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[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
❤️❤️❤️
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.